


The Void of Nothingness

by aoi_shirobane18



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Oneshot, Phan - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-31 23:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13985790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aoi_shirobane18/pseuds/aoi_shirobane18
Summary: WARNING : THEMES OF DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.





	The Void of Nothingness

WARNING: THEMES OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO CERTAIN CONTENT. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

 

 

My eyes reflected the darkness in the void.

I could only feel my knees getting weaker as I reached into the world without any boundaries; how free one would feel aftermath.

"Hello?" My voice resulted as a soundless voice in the darkness. The void took away your breath, and brought nothingness to your very own existence.

The rules of society never mattered here in this void - nothing would.

But would you spend eternity here, without anyone by your side?

Without the people you care about?

 

If it will end all my suffering, I'd rather die.

 

My eyes stared into beige, which slowly faded as I tried to get up.

It was just another day.

 

"Loser!"

"Gay!"

"Emo scum!"

Those words rang in my ear; I've heard it all. Everything is going to be fine, Dan. It's just another day - the same words, the same actions.

I'll be okay.

 

I threw my dirt covered backpack into the corner of my room, reaching for my laptop to surf the web.

After hours of videos, my sight slowly faded.

 

"What's your name?"

A voice in the void of nothingness - that's a first.

"Dan," I mumbled, staring into the older boy with jet black, shoulder-length hair and piercing blue eyes.

"Nice to meet you," He smiled, "I'm Phil."

It was nice, really - for someone not too far from your age to be treating you like a friend instead of a lower entity.

We hung around in the void, and it turned out that Phil and I enjoy similar stuff.

After a long, long time of Phil talking about Buffy the vampire slayer, a bright light shone, blinding my eyes as my sight faded.

 

"Dan, are you up?"

"Mom?.."

"It's dinner time, honey."

For once, I was enthusiastic for dinner. My parents might have noticed it too, and asked me what happened. I told them about the amazing dream I had about meeting this guy named Phil, and how he was the best person I've ever met. I guess they found it weird that I'm talking about some guy in my dream, but they said that they were okay as long as I'm happy.

I went back to bed, hoping to meet that Phil guy once more.

 

"Dan!" He flashed me an excited smile, "Hey!"

We proceeded to talk about random games, our favorite food and such. Phil was such an amazing person, and didn't mind just sitting beside me in silence.

I could spend eternity just hanging out with him.

 

 

The penetrating rays of the sun blinded my eyes as my eyelids flicker. I rose up, picking up my backpack and walking down the stairs sluggishly, dreading the thought of school. Really, the only reason I'm even up is so that the day can end quickly and I will be able to go back to sleep again.

Today was no better.

But a part of me snapped.

I felt a burning sensation in the pits of my stomach when the bully reached over for my collar.

I felt something - anger?

But everything blurred after I kicked him right in the crotch.

 

I could only hear a monotonous ringing in my head.

My eyelids grew heavier when I saw another fist reaching for my face.

 

"You're hurt!" Phil latched onto my arm, as if trying to support me from falling.

"I'm fine," I mumbled, "Just some kids in my class."

"Dan, you are NOT okay. (I'm not o-fucking-kay)(Get the reference? ;) not the right time? ok..)" Phil grabbed both of my shoulders gently, slowly pulling me into a hug.

"Phil.. Stop," I pushed him away gently, "I'm okay.."

"Dan, who did this to you?! You have to tell someone about this!"

I was annoyed, frightened and confused, "Nobody cares."

"I do," Phil tightened his grip on my shoulders, "So please, I care about you - a lot."

"What do you know?!" I yelled, "You're just some weird guy I meet in my dreams!"

Phil stepped back, releasing me, "Excuse me?"

"I don't even know if you're real! I might just be talking to myself and imagining some saint who is just a figment of my imaginations! That.. I'm turning insane, aren't I?"

"Dan, I'm real."

"You're not, and you never were," I smiled and Phil looked horrified.

I saw the opened scars in my wrist, slowly digging further with my fingernails.

"Dan, no! What are you doing?!"

Phil rushed towards me, pulling my hand away as we both struggled.

I was slightly stronger and exerted full force towards him, pushing him away.

My eyes were blurred and tears were streaming down my face, blood flowing down my wrist as I felt an uncontrollable urge to scream, "You don't exist, nothing here exists!"

 

 

"Dan!" My mom smiled, "First day of university, sweetheart, you ready?"

I chuckled, "Not really.."

"It will be fine, Dan." My dad placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"Sure it will."

 

"Time won't pass just like that, Daniel," My dad stared at me, his eyes dark just like the void I had always been trapped in.

"You have to face your fears, Daniel James Howell," My mom smiled, her eyes empty and dark.

 

The void - I can never escape it, right?

 

"Daniel," My mom held my shoulders, "What happened?"

After everything that happened, I couldn't muster up the courage to speak up. I opened my eyes but ended up closing it again, only to let out uncontrollable sobs.

My dad reached over, gently patting my head, "That's okay, take your time."

And I did.

Eventually, we ended up having a long conversation as a family.

 

"We love you, Daniel."

 

I had a dream that night.

I wasn't in a void.

I was resting in a sunflower field, staring right at the blue sky.

Had the sky always been so beautiful?

They were blue.

Just like the ocean.

Just like..

His eyes.

Him?

Who is he?

 

 

"I'm Philip," The black haired boy smiled shyly.

"I-" My voice trailed off, the memories from years ago flooding over me, "Daniel."

"Nice to meet you," He smiled, "You can call me Phil!"

I stared at him for an awkward 5 seconds, and smiled in return.

 

"I know."


End file.
